Let us talk of what has happened

In the last few months, I've had a few setbacks, both in employment and in my personal life. Of course, CS2 shut down, which was a blow, but, worse than that, my first novel was rejected by the publisher I wanted it to go to the most.

I would be lying if I didn't say that this brought back some older issues with depression that I won't get into here. I had friends, good ones. But I also have some not-so-good friends, some of whom I've recently had to purge from my life.

Along with purging these not-so-good friends, I've also purged several dozen not-so-good books from my life, thus insuring that my room will not fall through the floor and cause the house to implode upon itself.

I have this feeling sometimes that I'm not meant to be a strong person. I'm tired of having to fight all the time just for speaking my mind, either in class or with my family. I feel very sick over this. I don't feel like myself. But, then, someone has to do it. There are times when fighting is the only thing that gets work done. Honestly. I feel that deep down inside of me and I know it to be true. But whenever I start fighting, I slip and slide and those not-so-good friends vanish when I need them to be good friends. And so I return to books.

Reading through Ulysess with a group of friends, I've begun to let the book just envelope me, to let the language dance over my skin. It is the only way I can cope some times. To get lost in the pages of something so brilliant, so amazing, that you can get lost inside of it within half a page. That is to feel true happiness.

JPC